The Immaculate Abduction

* next week’s blog, coming to you from the bowels of Hell.

And so, to the time of the gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the las… Sorry, that’s Highlander. Let me start again:

Those of you who subscribe to Jesus Christ’s YouTube channel or Twitter page will already know this, but for those who don’t: JC is apparently having a bit of a bun-fight over at his place this Saturday.

That’s right… May 21^st 2011 is “The Rapture”. It’s a bit of a big deal. I’m sure he’ll lay on all the best stuff; Jelly & Ice Cream, Dips of all kinds, and if you bring a bottle of water or two, you might even convince him to do the old wine thing. That’s gotta be a cheap night out for all.

Unfortunately, this party is strictly invitation only I’m afraid. Even Christians are not guaranteed a place at this one. Only the most faithful followers will be sent their surprise invitation, which I understand will take the form of a kidnapping.

For those of us left behind, I’m afraid it’s the usual: War, Famine, Disaster, and the eventual extinction of three-quarters of life on Earth. Ooops! Never mind, eh?

Still… before you start emptying your bank account, planning ritual suicides, and telling the woman at the newsagent that you’ve always secretly loved her, take a moment to consider that this whole “Rapture/Tribulation” thing has been predicted quite a few times before. Apparently there have been schedule conflicts or something. Who knows; maybe JC has been unable to convince his dad to allow a few million of his mates round for a knees-up (or knees-down, I guess). That kind of gathering is likely to fuck up your carpets after all.

I don’t suppose it bodes well for an aspiring novelist, whose first attempt at full-length fiction revolves around the afterlife. Except that there may be fewer Christians around to start chucking it on bonfires. Mind you… as long as they’ve paid for it before they toast communion wafers over it, I wish them Happy CAMPING…  Oh, come on! I had to get one in there somewhere. Sorry, Harold. You can giggle at my short-sighted heresy, when you’re playing Black Ops with Jesus on Saturday night.

Here on Earth, and far from losing its members to supernatural abduction, my household  seems to have gained a member. NO… not another child, but something just as likely to shit underneath the dinner table: A dog! A Beagle, to be specific. Something my partner has been pestering me about for 7 years. It’s hardly groundbreaking news, but it might give me something flimsy to Vlog about while I’m giving Richard a couple of weeks off from video-making.

See you all in a week.*

In the meantime, here’s a picture of my new dog. (Awww… and all that)

My new (as yet, nameless) puppy; hoping that holding onto this plant will save her from Baby Jesus.