The Final Countdown – Zero

Well… that’s it. I’m leavin on a jet plane, and all that other Jonny Denver type stuff. As they say where I come from: “It’s all over bar the shoutin'” Of course, in this particular case, “the shoutin” involves packing my few remaining possessions; dragging 50kg of luggage (each) in 3 seperate cases (each), through the deep snow to the subway station; catching a train, then a bus, then a plane; being picked up from the airport, and living under someone else’s roof for the next week or so until my wife and I find somewhere to live. So if we’re gonna stick with the fighting analogies, I haven’t even spilled the other bloke’s drink yet. But it’s all over as far as the blog posts about my moving are concerned. I am writing this post on Monday the 26th, and it is scheduled for release at the exact minute we are due to land in the UK. Plane landing by sunrise So… once again, you must endure the anguish of my absence. At least for a little while. What will I be blogging about when I return? Your guess is as good as mine. Well… I suppose I could make a slightly more educated guess than you guys and say that it’s likely to be about my new house, and my new job (back to being self-employed now). I do have one or two things in the pipeline to keep you occupied until next we meet, and they have been a very long time coming. So, I will see you again soon. If you don’t believe me… take a look at this video. And the next time someone hears me say “Hmmm… I think I’ll kill myself off in this weeks video. I just want to try out this new effect!” STOP ME and say: “Jimbot… don’t do it. The storyteller in you is a perfectionist monster, and you know where this will lead.” Normally I sign off by saying goodbye, but on this occasion I will just say those 3 little words I have been desperately waiting to say for almost 3 years: I’m back baby!!

Meme Cream

One always hopes to leave something of an impression on those who are most important to you. So when I return from Sweden last week and Amki says to me “You haven’t posted a blog this week, honey.” what do I say? I think what I actually said was “Erm… no my love… I was with you. Don’t you remember?” Please tell me our time together meant something! Is she losing her mind? Am I?

All she meant of course was that I should have posted when I returned, and I’m sure she’s right, maybe I should have, but I post on a Sunday and it’s a schedule I like to stick to wherever possible. Imagine my surprise then when I logged in to check my blog traffic and found it had increased dramatically while I was away; tripled even. Which, I admit, would still make my readership roughly equivalent to the number of teenagers who read the nutritional information on the side of a Special Edition: Sprouts & Lard Pot Noodle, but an increase it is nonetheless and I had to wonder why.

It turns out that all the traffic was to one particular post I wrote many months ago about the miracle power of Sudocrem. Why? Well, apparently Sudocrem has been hitting the headlines of late, as a superior substitute to the far more expensive anti-ageing creams, peddled by the very same people who gave you that terrible complexion in the first place: Make-up companies.

Yes.. I've used this image before. So shoot me!

So there you are… When the day comes that you are thanking Sudocrem for the reason you are going through puberty again at the age of 65… remember that you heard about its miracle powers from me first.

Perhaps I should approach Sudocrem and ask them for a job as a marketing copywriter. I seem to have approached everyone else for employment this week. Ideally I need a job that I can do from wherever I am in the world that has an internet connection. I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any. And before any clever soul suggests time-travelling… I have thought this through, and I’ll give you a scenario:

Mrs Johnson: “Oh, thank God you’re here! I found your number in the Yellow Pages and I simply had to call! My husband was killed in an accident at work yesterday. You have to go back and prevent it!”

Time Traveller: “I’ll do what I can ma’am!”

2 days later, following the successful completion of his task, the time traveller returns to collect his pay

Mrs Johnson: “What are you talking about? My husband didn’t even go into work yesterday! Get away from my front door, you crackpot… before I call the police!”

You see? It just doesn’t work. But if there are any useful suggestions, I’m all ears.

Still… while we’re on the subject of time-travellers, those who follow this blog, and its accompanying video channel regularly might be wondering where the latest video has got to. However, in the much more likely event that you stumbled upon this blog whilst staring at the ingredients on a tub of Sudocrem, wondering if it can really heal those unsightly cracks, then let me say two things: Firstly, the one in your ass is supposed to be there! Don’t worry about applying it to your baby’s nappy rash; I can assure you it works, and no harm will come to your children. Secondly, we are still looking for an abandoned location to film the scene where I finally return from the grave. Incidentally… if we happen to find such a location in the next week or so, allow me to assure any Christians out there that my returning from the dead around Easter is merely a COINCIDENCE! It was in no way planned to coincide with “implausible resurrection festival”. 😉 Everyone knows that Easter should be all about chocolate eggs and scary bunny rabbits (which don’t lay eggs… so I have to wonder who thought this up. Answers in the comments section please).

I think I’ve upset enough people for one day, so I’ll go now before those people carrying torches and a noose turn up at my door. For anyone who is still not upset, there is a new page on this blog; explaining all about the people I mention most often in these posts.

It’s been a fun week of penniless-ness and job-hunting… wondering how I’m supposed to show my girlfriend a good time during her upcoming visit when I can’t even afford bread for my dust-bunny sandwiches. Still… she probably won’t remember being here once she’s been back home for 24 hours, so I could probably just say “We went to the moon but the souvenir shop was closed” and she would be none the wiser (I just received a text from her as I wrote that, so I’m quite scared she might be able to read minds now).

I hope you remembered to put your clock forward and, if you’re interested, there is a wonderful celestial event tomorrow night. For anyone lucky enough to have clear skies, it should look something like this (without the lines, obviously).

CREDIT: NASA/JPL/Jane Jones

I’m going now.

A Very Sleepless Christmas

I’m just on my way out of the door, so this will be more of a quick update than a proper post.

This week… Sleepless Knight had our best day of filming to date. Everyone had a fantastic time, and (considering the episode was written by Mr. Farnsworth and myself, in just 2 hours, the night before) I have high hopes that this video will be the very best yet.

I have decided that my plan to get all 3 parts of my “resurrection” story up on the channel before the new year was outrageously ambitious, so there will be an “End of 2011” video, featuring bloopers and behind the scenes footage; with just a short teaser for 2012 tagged on the end. I think you’ll like it, and, if nothing else, it will at least prove that we’re back and work is getting done. We will then begin releasing the “resurrection” video in January. A promise I am (this time) supremely confident I will easily be able to keep, since over 50% of the story has already been filmed.

The story is not without sadness for me however, as we unexpectedly lost Ben, when he moved away just this week, and the new year will see the loss of Kitty; one the best crew members any film crew could wish for. It will also see the end of our “headquarters” at Ripon street, since most of its inhabitants are moving on to bigger and better things. I don’t really know where our new home will be just yet, I can only assure you that we will continue no matter where it is, and 2012 will be a very exciting new chapter in the Sleepless Knight story for many good reasons.

Mr. Farnsworth and myself are very excited about where the channel is going in 2012, and I’m sure Richard would be too, if only we could locate him more often.

Our next guest post will be from Ms. Knight (that’s Kitty, for those of you who are unaware), and we look forward to it.

That’s it for the time being from me, and everyone else at the channel. I hope you have a good weekend, wherever, and with whomever you spend it. The Sleepless Knight wishes you a very Merry Christmas!

From left: JB (music guru #1), Kitty (the talented one), Me (Sleepless Knight), Farnsworth (champion of crazy) and Arnie (music guru #2)