Safety First

So I finally get to announce the happy news I referred to in last week’s post. I have been holding onto this damn secret for a few weeks now, so it’ll be good to get it off my chest!

Richard is getting married! That’s right… happy, happy news for Sleepless Knight. Not least because it means we all get to plan the poor boy’s Stag night, and Mr. Farnsworth, for one, has decided that he will only be satisfied with the night if someone dies, so I’ll do my best to keep him away from sharp objects. He’s been watching The Hangover: part II, which should probably worry me more than it does, but the big day is at least a year away yet, so there’s plenty of time to write my will and lock my passport in a secure steel box; there to be guarded by dragons.

Anyway… I’m sure you’ll join me in congratulating the happy couple on their betrothment… or is it betrothal? I dunno.

With that out of the way, I’m going to talk about safety!

No! This will not be a contraception lecture. I’m talking about protecting yourself from physical harm. I’m not good at it. I’ve broken my ribs; blown myself up; dangled off high bridges for scenes that never even made it onto the channel; accidentally blown holes in the walls of buildings in which I was supposed to be TEACHING safety… and just the other day I poked myself in the eye with a pair of safety goggles. So, when I tell you that I am considering filming “Jaws: In 60 seconds” for the upcoming Empire Awards, I’m sure you’ll see why I might not be around for much longer. We will be shooting in a very small boat, on a lake, in January! This does not a happy film crew make. And if they’re upset now… imagine how pissed-off they’re gonna be when I actually get round to telling them about it. Still… the only ones going near the water will be myself, James, and Richard (Richard… if you’re reading this… that was my way of telling you that you might be getting into the water in January. And, NO… there is no vaccine for hypothermia), so the rest of the crew can probably sleep easy, and look forward to some giggles.

The thing about safety is… it’s safe! And the thing about blowing stuff up and falling into lake waters in deepest winter is… well… you get the picture.

Fortunately I have people looking out for my safety these days. I always did, I suppose… but when your parents tell you something is dangerous, what you hear is: “Exciting”. And before you know it, you’re sitting in a doctor’s office, having bits of shattered metal removed from your bleeding face.

See, it starts out innocently enough; you put your baby test pilot, or “brother”… as your parents insist on calling him, onto a little tin tricycle. He’s grinning so you assume he’s OK with the plan, and you “send” him down the side of the main road. It turns out that five year olds are not quite as familiar with road safety, or brake levers, as you had hoped they might be, and things get a little out of control. Fortunately, car drivers are much more familiar with brakes, and everything turns out for the best. However, pretty soon, your saintly little brother is hatching his own plans, and scaling the wardrobes to leap like superman onto the bed. The ceilings are covered with pointy bits of Artex, and pretty soon you have a bleeding baby test p… brother, and there is no stopping the two of you from getting into trouble. All the safety goggles in the world would not have prevented my brother from scraping the skin off his back that day, so… they aren’t as good as you might think they are for preventing accidents.

I honestly think I’m running out of lives nowadays, and mine is going well enough that I’d like to hang onto it a little while longer yet, so I’m going to end this post with a public safety announcement:

Always wear a condom.

Have a good weekend.

I'm sorry. I can only apologise for the terrible sense of humour which inspired this picture.

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