Non-Stick Glue
I was once asked, in response to my announced intention to do a parachute jump, “Are you sure that’s wise?” Now, perhaps I was a little more condescending in my response than the situation warranted, but it seems to me that wisdom has very little to do with leaving the relative safety of a perfectly serviceable aircraft while it is still 3,500ft from the ground; with nothing to slow your extremely rapid descent but a large piece of nylon, held up with lots of string. In fact… I would go so far as to say that parachuting from a plane which is neither on fire, nor full of extremely venomous and extremely pissed off cobras is actually a little extravagant.
If wisdom is really your primary concern, you might not want to board a plane at all, because man was not meant to fly, right? In fact, why we ever emerged from our caves in the first place is beyond me…
“What’s that you’ve created there, Ugg? Fire, you say? Seems like pretty dangerous stuff to me. Perhaps you ought to just put the sticks down and come on a hunt. We’re going to climb a tree and try killing a Saber-toothed Tiger with harsh language so we don’t get hurt. You like your Tiger steak rare… right?”
Ok… so it seems like I’m being a little melodramatic. For a more eloquent look at this sort of thing, see this post. The point I’m trying to make is that wisdom has very little to do with human affairs, and the most unwise and foolhardy of human endeavours has to be love.
Earlier this week I was the victim of well-meaning people; analysing my love life as “unwise”, “irrational” and “illogical”.
Of course it f***ing well is! Rationality… Logic… Common Sense… These things have no place in the same sentence as love. Think about this for a moment; if humans were rational beings they wouldn’t love at all. We probably wouldn’t paint either… or sculpt, or write songs. I mean, what’s the point?
Pardon me for climbing atop my extremely long-legged horse, but we’re talking about love here. Trying to measure it with logic and rationality is tantamount to saying: “Teabags? Yes… Brilliant idea! Bit porous though, aren’t they? Wouldn’t they be better if they were… I dunno… water-resistant?” Sure! Of course they would… if you want a sweet-smelling pebble at the bottom of your cup of very hot, uninteresting water; or more likely on the top, since they would almost certainly float. Yes… I think what you’re after there is a pair of scented f***ing water-wings! I just want a cup of f***ing tea!
I recently tried to talk sense into a very dear friend of mine, regarding his love life. Did he listen? No… of course he didn’t; he’s in love. If you want logic with your love, better stick to phallic machinery. Love is not rational. If you can be talked out of it, trust me, you didn’t have it in the first place. Heartbreak is part of the game. To paraphrase a certain science-fiction character: “If you can’t handle a little bloody nose then maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed… by yourself! It’s not safe out there! It’s wondrous; with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross… but it’s not for the timid!” We’d all like to be more sensible about those we love, but when was the last time you listened to reason when you felt that way?
Taking all the irrational behaviour out of love is like taking all the water out of your pool: Sure you won’t get wet, but you’re likely to find swimming in it an empty and unsatisfactory experience.
So endeth the lesson.
Don't listen to him, Brian! As long as you don't expect much response in bed, you'll be fine.
There will be far more posts than usual this week for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I will be nominating several bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award, and secondly because there will be a guest blog post on Thursday, from Sleepless Knight’s very own, Kitty.
See you then.
Lots of love,
Sleepless Knight.
Loss of Signal
Today I would like to give you a message of hope and optimism for the New Year. I would like to… but in all honesty, I feel lower than I have done for a couple of months. I have never had quite as much trouble writing a blog post. I have tried everything to avoid it, but there is apparently a limit to the amount of time you can spend updating your address with TESCO clubcard.
There are a couple of reasons for this recent bout of lethargy; the most obvious of which being…
January
The tinsel is down, you’ve cleaned the vomit out of the carpet and finally started thinking about recycling the wine bottles and beer cans that have been cluttering up the shower… the only thing that stands between you and 2012 is this pesky, bothersome month; so dreary that even the weather can’t be bothered to do anything interesting. It could rain fireballs or seagull anuses for all I care! At least that would be something, but no! The sky just hangs there, going “Give me a break man! 2011 just really took it out of me.” Admittedly, this year I have more reasons than usual to see this miserable month out of the way, but that’s just making it drag all the more. If you have to give the first month of the year a name, then let’s make it something more descriptive, like I-wish-I-was-anywhere-else-at-any-time-in-history-but-here-please-please-Sam-Beckett-make-the-next-leap-the-leap-out-of-here…uary.
Ordinarily, I have my muse to get me through these little hiccups; which brings me to this…
Communication
…or, in this case, lack of it.
The last century has brought us closer to people in so many ways. We can talk to people on the other side of the world with such ease nowadays. Phone, text, email, facebook, messenger, Skype… All make it possible to maintain contact, and even romantic relationships, with people too far away to touch, but what happens when the lines go down and the lights go out? I mean, what is the world coming to when the bored Guildford housewife can no longer exchange late-night tales of woe with the cross-dressing minister from Montana? It is surely only a matter of time before the quiet suburbs of Surrey run red with the blood of innocent TKMaxx patrons.
My own situation is far less dramatic than that, and far more likely – if I might so boldly tickle the testicles of fate – to end in happiness rather than mass consumer-cide, but that only makes it more difficult at times when you can’t see one-another.
We take our communication in the 21st century for granted. When it’s cut off, it can feel like losing an arm. Those guys over at Aperture, and Bartok Science Industries really need to get on this. Relationships are going to become ever more complicated until travel is as instantaneous as walking from one room to another.
Anyway… since I can’t appear behind my readers and whisper in their ears, here’s a little song from a company that are working towards that very goal.
Caution: Expect long-distance relationships to end abruptly, following this scenario
Lessons Learned
So, it’s the end of 2011. In a year from now we’ll all be dead! Still… I wouldn’t panic about it; I’ve survived the end of the world quite a few times now. It seems likely that this is just another one of those Armageddons, dreamed up by Hawaiian Tropic, to sell factor 2,000,000 sunscreen.
For Sleepless Knight, 2011 has been a very busy year indeed…
I have made many new friends, and I have lost a few old ones. I began the year by promising that I would not move house again, and ended up doing so… TWICE! There have been moments of sadness that have moved me to tears, and moments of joy beyond anything I had ever hoped to feel again. I have had weird weeks aplenty and times when I was allowed the briefest glimpse of success. There was a moment when I considered writing this blog off as one of the worst ideas I ever had, but perseverance and optimism won out, and it may well turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in 37 years.
As the year draws to a close, Sleepless Knight has already had to say goodbye to people I knew far too briefly, but all is not doom & gloom… not by a very long way. So I thought would share with you one or two things I have learned (or at least re-learned) in 2011. And, since this is a movie-lover’s blog, we’re gonna do it in movie style:
- “Life is beautiful!”
This is something I’ve always known. It’s one of the things that make me who I am, that I can hardly get through a day without seeing something about the world around me that makes me smile. But it’s something that can be knocked out of you if you don’t keep your head. Sometimes, you need something to elbow you back onto the tracks and remind you that every single day you breathe successfully from dawn to dusk, is one to be grateful for.
- “…it’s never too late to get it back!”
This sort of follows on from the one above, but, if we live long enough, we will all come to a point where we lose something of who we were, and it’s very easy to write it off to the cynicism of aging, but if you miss that daydreamer who wanted to see what was over the next hill, or around the next corner, or just to jump because… what’s the worst that can happen? Remember what Lester Burnham said, because I promise you it’s true.
- “Don’t underestimate…”
This goes for yourself, as well as other people. Many people have underestimated me, and continue to do so, but not nearly as often as I have underestimated myself. Just try not to do it. It’s a bad habit. You should be especially wary of underestimating those around you. You never know when they’ll surprise you… either by doing something really nice and unexpected, or simply by being more understanding then you thought they might be.
- “Nobody’s perfect!”
At first glance this may appear to contradict the one above, but it really doesn’t. Although, once again, this does apply to yourself as well as to those you love. Everyone makes mistakes! This does not make you, or those around you, any more monstrous or inhuman. It is particularly relevant if you love someone dearly, that you expect them to be less than perfect, because if you do not… you are very likely to be disappointed.
- “If you build it, they will come!”
I must confess I’ve had my doubts about this one several times this year. It often seems as though you’re wasting your time; that no-one is really interested in what you’re doing; that they will refuse to help, or pay any attention to your efforts, simply because what you are trying to do seems so completely far-fetched and ridiculous, that you will never make it work in a hundred lifetimes. My advice is: Build the damn thing anyway! If you fail, people may say “I told you so”, but so the hell what? Is that really so terrible. Quite often you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I have lost hope for the channel/blog/novel… on many occasions, but every so often someone will come along and say “That’s really good” or “Can I help?” Be patient.
- “Hope is a good thing… maybe the best of things.”
As wonderful as Morgan Freeman is, hope is NEVER, EVER a dangerous thing! I would have given up on some truly wonderful things in my life without hope. Someone even wrote a song for me earlier this year with that very title: “Hope”. And, if you’re a fan of irony, I had always hoped that someone would do that for me one day. Now surely I need say nothing more about hope than that? But, if you need more reasons why hope is a good thing…
- “Because you never know what the tide will bring.”
Happiness, love, success… these are all things that can come out of nowhere and knock you over like a train. However – and this is particularly relevant to the first one and the last – if you go through life expecting them not to… you are unlikely to find otherwise.
- “Soylent Green is people!”
This one is simply there because I was getting a little too serious, and I thought we needed to lighten the mood. It is of course, complete and utter nonsense! We all know that Soylent Green is made from orphaned puppies and pureed Unicorn.
2011 has been a year I am very unlikely ever to forget, and I am looking forward to the new year with a childish anticipation I can never remember having felt before. The beginning of 2012 holds some very happy possibilities for the channel, and for myself, and there should be a Sleepless wedding (Richard’s) by the end of the year. What will happen between those two, only time will tell. Whatever it is, I hope you will stay with me and keep watching, and reading.
What does your 2012 have in store (apart from fiery doom, of course) for you, and what were your most treasured memories from 2011?
P.S.
In other news…. There is other NEWS!!!!
Instead of your usual picture, I will be posting our latest video. That’s right… I said VIDEO!! I changed my plans to make sure that the three videos coming up early in the new year, will be spectacularrrr… so this one is just a farewell to 2011.
A Very Sleepless Christmas
I’m just on my way out of the door, so this will be more of a quick update than a proper post.
This week… Sleepless Knight had our best day of filming to date. Everyone had a fantastic time, and (considering the episode was written by Mr. Farnsworth and myself, in just 2 hours, the night before) I have high hopes that this video will be the very best yet.
I have decided that my plan to get all 3 parts of my “resurrection” story up on the channel before the new year was outrageously ambitious, so there will be an “End of 2011″ video, featuring bloopers and behind the scenes footage; with just a short teaser for 2012 tagged on the end. I think you’ll like it, and, if nothing else, it will at least prove that we’re back and work is getting done. We will then begin releasing the “resurrection” video in January. A promise I am (this time) supremely confident I will easily be able to keep, since over 50% of the story has already been filmed.
The story is not without sadness for me however, as we unexpectedly lost Ben, when he moved away just this week, and the new year will see the loss of Kitty; one the best crew members any film crew could wish for. It will also see the end of our “headquarters” at Ripon street, since most of its inhabitants are moving on to bigger and better things. I don’t really know where our new home will be just yet, I can only assure you that we will continue no matter where it is, and 2012 will be a very exciting new chapter in the Sleepless Knight story for many good reasons.
Mr. Farnsworth and myself are very excited about where the channel is going in 2012, and I’m sure Richard would be too, if only we could locate him more often.
Our next guest post will be from Ms. Knight (that’s Kitty, for those of you who are unaware), and we look forward to it.
That’s it for the time being from me, and everyone else at the channel. I hope you have a good weekend, wherever, and with whomever you spend it. The Sleepless Knight wishes you a very Merry Christmas!
From left: JB (music guru #1), Kitty (the talented one), Me (Sleepless Knight), Farnsworth (champion of crazy) and Arnie (music guru #2)
Time to Dye
If you’re wondering why there was no blog post yesterday afternoon… good for you, and keep it up.
It’s that time of year, when all you can think about is whether or not the cloaked disguise of the time-travelling madman you have created is quite black enough for the moment when he uses his futuristic medical apparatus to re-animate your exploded corpse. That’s right folks… Christmas is here again, and dyeing a B&Q dust-sheet, until it looks like a gigantic, steam-rolled charcoal briquette, is just the kind of yuletide activity that makes the holiday season at Sleepless Knight’s temporary headquarters seem like a TV Christmas special.
Elsewhere in my brain, it has been a week of mixed feelings; times when I feel as though I can fly, coupled with that panicky sensation in the back of my mind, that says: “Wait a minute… should I really be up here? Aren’t I as susceptible to gravity as everyone else?” There have also been a few “bird-strike” moments; when your heart sinks as you realise the seagull which looked so pretty as it flew gracefully towards you and bounced off the cockpit, might have set the engine alight as it was sucked through it, before being ejected like so much flaming confetti. But enough with the calming aviation metaphors…
It has been brought to my attention that I might just be a bit of a weirdo. And, while this hardly comes as a surprise to me, it is worrying when people you’ve never met, who are significant to you because they are significant to other people you’ve never met, who are significant to you, start telling you you’re a weirdo by proxy… That probably didn’t make any sense at all, but what do you want from me, I’m a weirdo.
So, is this weirdo thing something I perhaps need to address? I mean it’s not as though I make films featuring transsexual Nazi Eskimo porn and bestiality, but the “weirdo” accusation did come at a moment when I was sat on the cold concrete floor of someone else’s living room, constructing a device to bring myself back from the dead, so it may just have merit.
Toby Dale was saying just yesterday that he would like one of those “perfect Sundays” he has heard people talk about. Instead, he was animating a Santa Claus action figure. Unfortunately… we are YouTubers. True, he is much better at it than I am, but normal Sundays are never going to be your thing if you have chosen to pursue such a ridiculous pastime as this one. We are weirdoes, every one of us.
Now… if you’ll excuse me, I have to add more velvet-black dye to my gigantic dust-sheet. I mean, without a black cloak to go with his techno-goggles… the man who appears through a portal in my kitchen, to collect a box of my charred remains from the freezer before returning to the future, will just look silly.
A severely vision-impaired time-traveller is helped into position for filming
*For anyone interested… last week’s word was indeed “flaps”. Guessed correctly by The Swedish Flowerpot, who got to choose this word for this week. Guess it, and next week it’s your turn to challenge me.
Guest Post #1: J V Farnsworth
Well, here it is. It took some encouragement on my part, and I’m not sure whether it will turn out to have been a particularly good idea, but Mr. Farnsworth finally decided to honour us with a guest post. Being one of my crew, I admit I had kind of hoped his post might in some way relate to filmmaking and all we are doing here at Sleepless Knight to restart the economy, feed the world’s starving children, make peanut M&Ms rain from the heavens, cure the world of Baby Jesus, and generally make the planet a better place. Alas… It seems he missed the point of a Sleepless Knight crew-member commenting on Sleepless Knight’s blog. For what it’s worth: I’m sorry!
So I made the mistake of telling Jim I would write a guest blog post for him. I’m not particularly good with promises, so for all intents and purposes this is not a blog post. It is merely an extract from the novel I am writing (and definitely not lying about), entitled “The Juggler’s Oven”; the tale of an out of work chef that joins the circus. It’ll make you laugh, make you cry. It will change your life.
She sat nervously beside him. The smell of Tippex jostled its way into her single nostril, like a late traffic warden. She had been here before, but in a slightly different location. He reached toward her, with fingers like cheap breadsticks. Just as the savoury-snack-like appendages brushed her dancing cheek, she awoke. As she removed the yoghurt from the window-pane and cleared away the last of the tinsel , she swore it would be the last time she accepted a Tic-Tac from Mr Bovril.
And there you have it. Let this be a lesson never to make a promise you can’t keep, and not to accept minty goods from people with strange names.
Farewell.
Vespa.
So… there it was. I would imagine it won’t happen again for quite some time. Mr Farnsworth will be appearing in the upcoming SK videos scheduled to appear between now and Christmas.
It would be nice to get a guest post from Richard (recently dubbed by Farnsworth as “Silent Knight”… and not without good reason), but first we need Chloroform, a very large butterfly net, and the spell which summons him from the underworld.
Enjoy the rest of your week. I will do my best to return at the weekend as usual.
Broken bear and the sweets of lust
So today I was far too busy to write a blog post for you people. Let’s face it, neither one of you appreciates it, and I’m writing this nonsense when I’m supposed to be editing the new video.
But, Farnsworth has just challenged me to hide another word in my blog post, and since none of you guessed last week’s word (or even attempted to *cough*) I am now forced to choose between trying to ignore my idle fantasies for the next few hours while I attempt sleep… or, accepting a challenge from my mad house-mate. Damn my stubborn nature. Damn it to Hell!!
Oh well… here we go then. I suppose I can blog about something. How about the economy?
The recent increase in the… strength of the… Peruvian…
OK, so I know nothing of global economics… or very much of anything else. But never mind. I’m not the sort of writer who flaps about something as insignificant as a complete lack of knowledge. Wikipedia gets away with it all the time, so why can’t I pretend to be an authority on something about which I am completely ignorant.
There… now that I have added a disclaimer, I am completely free to talk out of my arse. And, with that in mind, let’s talk about love.
Do either of my readers remember the 80s? Remember those stupid posters that said “Love is…”? Well, earlier this week I had a revelation concerning what love is. Feel free to disagree (at least that way I might have some COMMENTS!), but I believe the point at which you can no longer escape the conclusion that you love someone, is when their happiness becomes more important to you than your own; when you realise that all you want is to spend the rest of your life making this person happy. Now… all those people saying things like “That’s crap! I know my girlfriend/boyfriend loves me, because they bought me a packet of those really shit, chalky sweets that say so in pink letters!” Get out! And while you’re at it, why not give all those people who buy stuffed bears with the words “I love you this much” a ride home. We all know that when you love someone, you want them to know it. But permit me to suggest, that buying them a Yo-Yo with “I Wuv U!” written on it, and imagining that does the trick, might just mean you’re not really trying hard enough. At best, that person will think it’s a really crap gift. Best case is that they’re some sort of international Yo-Yo champion, and if that’s the case they’re unlikely to thank you for making them perform in front of fellow Yo-Yo enthusiasts, swinging that tacky piece of junk as though it was their own personal Excalibur.
That probably all sounded like a bitter man, writing about unrequited love. It really wasn’t. I just needed to get that off my chest before the urge to fill a super-soaker with holy-water, and mow down a bunch of Hallmark shoppers, became too much to bear.
All I’m saying is, if someone really means that much to you, don’t rely on mass-produced sweets that look, and taste, like someone put Prozac in the water-cooler at the Asprin factory, and then played “Close to you” at full volume over the stereo. That sappy sentiment will not mean any more, just because it’s been embroidered into the chest of a grey teddy-bear. Don’t feel sorry for him just because he looks like he’s been through the wars. Spare a thought for the beleaguered mother; moaning as she sews the damn thing back together, because some careless child left it on the lawn for the mower. Let’s stop this habit of lazy sentimental expression and work together to put Clinton’s Cards out of business. That Hallmark shop is taking up space that could be better used for… say, an Ann Summers, or Victoria’s Secret – to pick two names completely at random.
Now before people start getting their crotchless, barbed-wire knickers in a twist… Of course I’m not saying that “Wear this and I’d totally do you!” is a worthy sentiment. Ann Summers shops have no more place on the high street than Hallmark (they should be confined to the internet, so that we… er… I mean… people… aren’t forced to feel embarrassed or awkward about shopping there).
All joking aside, if you feel so strongly about someone that you need to find a way to tell them, don’t shop for gifts at a place that says: “I hate my wife, but I can’t be bothered to cook my own dinners!” Hold them in just the right way… be there when it’s important to them… go out of your way to surprise them regularly, even if that means swimming across the Baltic Sea dressed as James Bond. Write them a song. Don’t worry if you can’t write songs; love is… caring about the other person’s happiness. If someone loves you, they will try especially hard not to cringe when some poor lovesick fool sings “Oh Angela, I love you for the way you hold your spatula” off key, whilst wearing nothing but a guitar he borrowed from a mate (please wipe it before you bring it back, Garry).
Enjoy the rest of your week, and remember: Every time you shop at Hallmark, a unicorn is hit by a truck full of “I Wuv U” key-chains… and the driver laughs maniacally as he strokes his seal-skin steering-wheel, and tosses a cigar out the window… which then hits a wickle bunny-wabbit.
This week's image is courtesy of the Sleepless Knight special effects department. ILM, eat your heart out!
*For anyone who’s interested, last week’s word was “onion”.
Out of the ashes
So, we’re back! We’ve been away for far too long, and certainly much longer than I had hoped or expected, but, as you may be aware, I recently turned my life upside-down and shook it to see what would fall out, which, to my surprise, revealed more than just lint and unused tickets to the outside world. So… to put any rumours to bed: We have not been stacking teabags for the under-refreshed, or returning injured squirrels to the sea. I have mentioned, several times, that the main reason for the huge gap in Sleepless Knight’s videos was over-ambition, rather than a lack of it. I spent 3 months planning a really special video, only to fall at the last hurdle. But, that’s no excuse.
By now, it’s possible that either one of the people reading this may have clicked the Sleepless Knight link above and jumped to the conclusion that I’m lying. Well… that’s not strictly true. While there is no new video on the channel at the moment, it is at least filmed now. So (to invoke Obi-Wan) what I told you was true… from a certain point of view. As far as the SK crew are concerned, we are back in the saddle. As far as our legion (or, more accurately, very small and inexperienced patrol) of subscribers are concerned, there will be new content in the next 10 days or so.
See? I'm not lying!
The bad news is that I was unaware until filming was complete, just how very poorly Sleepless Knight’s standard definition camera had become. Very, as it turns out. Since filming on the first video is now complete, I will simply make my peace with it, and clean it up in the edit.
It’ll be alright! Well… it won’t; it’ll look like crap, but it will be well intentioned crap; which I think we can all agree is the best kind.
Anyway… the main thing is that the crew were back together, and in front of the camera, or behind it in my case. There are new faces; JB and Ben. And there are familiar ones, like owner and operator of the charity for re-homing aging, insomniac bloggers; James Farnsworth, as well as the ever dependable, thoroughly enthusiastic and all together lovely, Kitty.
JB was required to drop his trousers in front of Kitty, before they had even been introduced; James and Ben hopefully learned that “The clapping noise means we’re rolling… please shhh!”, and that it is in no way helpful to add extra claps to a piece of film which will later have to be synced with a separately recorded sound track.
There was a brief demonstration of Sleepless Knight’s dazzling pyrotechnic expertise, when we failed – several times – to ignite gunpowder with a naked flame, as well as a moment of genuine disgust on Kitty’s face, after we neglected to mention that the “goo” she was required to pour from a charred boot, stank to high heaven and contained sticky red lumps. Good times!
Yummy!
The purchase of one or two minor props left James and myself to exist on a couple of raw carrots, several dust-bunnies, and half an onion, so our meals for the rest of the week yielded less nourishment than a barbecued ice-lolly, but that wasn’t going to keep the SK crew down. All-in-all, a good time was had and everyone is looking forward to the next one.
It is worth mentioning at this point, that a six month break from filming had affected our enthusiasm in much the same way that tarmac affects the structural integrity of a free-falling goose egg… so we will certainly try to ensure that it does not happen again. There is much to film before Christmas, and it scares me a little, but I remain quietly… Nope! That’s bullshit! I’m absolutely terrified. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
Don't try this at home... like we did.
OK… panic over. I’m sure we’ll manage. I have to say we’ll get it done, even if I don’t always believe it, because the fear of disappointing people is often all that keeps me from saying “Screw it! The condiments aren’t going to re-arrange themselves into alphabetical order!”
That’s all for this week, apart from a side note that I was challenged to squeeze a certain word into this post. If you can guess what it was, maybe I’ll let you pick the next one (I’ll give you a hint: It isn’t one of the really obvious ones).
Enjoy your week… or don’t… it won’t stop me from enjoying the hell out of mine.
Wish I was here
I want to talk about frustration. You might not want to talk about it, but that doesn’t really matter, because I’m the one with the keyboard in front of me, and time on my hands I really wish I didn’t have. Although I suppose if you’re actually reading this crap, that probably applies to both of us.
As I write this, for example, the time is 4.22am. I can’t sleep, I can’t do what I really want to be doing, and I have absolutely no chance at all of getting into the right frame of mind to do what I really should be doing (besides sleeping).
Insomnia, for those who are unfamiliar with it, is not a lack of trying to sleep… nor is it a lack of tiredness. I am absolutely exhausted! But my mind is elsewhere…
Anyone ever see L.A. Story? (Sorry… Couldn’t find the right clip) Huh?
“Let your mind go, and your body will follow”? (which is the clip I was actually looking for)
Isn’t that great? Well… it would be, except that where my mind has gone, my body cannot! All of which would still be acceptable if the smug little shit didn’t keep sending me postcards, saying: “Having a wonderful time. It’s a bit chilly but there is a full schedule of activities, and the company is divine! Hope you’re happy back there in PRISON! Mwahahahaha!!” That all seems a bit melodramatic, but my mind never really liked me very much, and has always enjoyed showing me things I would really rather not have seen.
Meanwhile, back here in reality, the part of my brain (which we will hereafter refer to as “Brain”, to distinguish it from “Mind”) which has been left here to keep me alive, is not doing so great a job either. My body tries to blot out the “postcards” by listening to music, or playing the guitar, but Brain goes “Shhhh!!!” Body tries to go for a walk, but Brain alone is apparently not sufficiently streetwise to prevent me from walking in front of traffic. Body tries to go to sleep, but Mind apparently forgot to tell Brain where the light switch is. Body tries to do jobs, but Brain is apparently not to be trusted with power tools.
All in all, it’s a bit like being very hungry, whilst locked in a cold prison cell with a window overlooking a fantastic restaurant, on a tropical beach, where everyone is playing music, eating really good food, and having sex… whilst just pleasantly drunk… under a moonlit sky… while they wait for dessert… to be served on gold plates… by Santa! And you can bang on the glass all you want to; no-one is going to bring you a plate of chicken… or a blanket. Pretty soon, the only solution is to pull out your own eyes and use them to plug your ears to muffle the screams, as you chew through your own foot and imagine it’s a very rare steak.
Now… it’s possible I got a bit carried away there, but that should be all the proof you need of just what frustration is doing to my mind. Yes, yes… it’s true that knitting suspension bridges out of spaghetti might seem like a perfectly rational pastime to my mind, even when I’m not frustrated and sleep-deprived, but this time it really is bad. My life is completely out of my hands at the moment. I have no transport for the first time in almost 20 years – I’m living in someone else’s house – I’m borrowing someone else’s (somewhat unreliable) internet connection so I can write these things – I have personal relationships which are beyond my control, as well as being more complicated than instructions for building a cold fusion engine out of blu-tack and lollipop sticks; translated from Mandarin Chinese, over a broken radio, by a drunk, dyslexic Scotsman with a bad-case of hiccups and a tendency to skip the boring bits. I can’t even make films without relying on others to be there, because I’m supposed to be dead.
I guess you’ll know if I survived the week, when the next blog post arrives. Until then, I hope you have enjoyed your weekend, and, in the absence of a sufficiently clever way to end this post, I will simply say, whe….
Safety First
So I finally get to announce the happy news I referred to in last week’s post. I have been holding onto this damn secret for a few weeks now, so it’ll be good to get it off my chest!
Richard is getting married! That’s right… happy, happy news for Sleepless Knight. Not least because it means we all get to plan the poor boy’s Stag night, and Mr. Farnsworth, for one, has decided that he will only be satisfied with the night if someone dies, so I’ll do my best to keep him away from sharp objects. He’s been watching The Hangover: part II, which should probably worry me more than it does, but the big day is at least a year away yet, so there’s plenty of time to write my will and lock my passport in a secure steel box; there to be guarded by dragons.
Anyway… I’m sure you’ll join me in congratulating the happy couple on their betrothment… or is it betrothal? I dunno.
With that out of the way, I’m going to talk about safety!
No! This will not be a contraception lecture. I’m talking about protecting yourself from physical harm. I’m not good at it. I’ve broken my ribs; blown myself up; dangled off high bridges for scenes that never even made it onto the channel; accidentally blown holes in the walls of buildings in which I was supposed to be TEACHING safety… and just the other day I poked myself in the eye with a pair of safety goggles. So, when I tell you that I am considering filming “Jaws: In 60 seconds” for the upcoming Empire Awards, I’m sure you’ll see why I might not be around for much longer. We will be shooting in a very small boat, on a lake, in January! This does not a happy film crew make. And if they’re upset now… imagine how pissed-off they’re gonna be when I actually get round to telling them about it. Still… the only ones going near the water will be myself, James, and Richard (Richard… if you’re reading this… that was my way of telling you that you might be getting into the water in January. And, NO… there is no vaccine for hypothermia), so the rest of the crew can probably sleep easy, and look forward to some giggles.
The thing about safety is… it’s safe! And the thing about blowing stuff up and falling into lake waters in deepest winter is… well… you get the picture.
Fortunately I have people looking out for my safety these days. I always did, I suppose… but when your parents tell you something is dangerous, what you hear is: “Exciting”. And before you know it, you’re sitting in a doctor’s office, having bits of shattered metal removed from your bleeding face.
See, it starts out innocently enough; you put your baby test pilot, or “brother”… as your parents insist on calling him, onto a little tin tricycle. He’s grinning so you assume he’s OK with the plan, and you “send” him down the side of the main road. It turns out that five year olds are not quite as familiar with road safety, or brake levers, as you had hoped they might be, and things get a little out of control. Fortunately, car drivers are much more familiar with brakes, and everything turns out for the best. However, pretty soon, your saintly little brother is hatching his own plans, and scaling the wardrobes to leap like superman onto the bed. The ceilings are covered with pointy bits of Artex, and pretty soon you have a bleeding baby test p… brother, and there is no stopping the two of you from getting into trouble. All the safety goggles in the world would not have prevented my brother from scraping the skin off his back that day, so… they aren’t as good as you might think they are for preventing accidents.
I honestly think I’m running out of lives nowadays, and mine is going well enough that I’d like to hang onto it a little while longer yet, so I’m going to end this post with a public safety announcement:
Always wear a condom.
Have a good weekend.
I'm sorry. I can only apologise for the terrible sense of humour which inspired this picture.
