One year ago today, I wrote my very first WordPress blog post. If you’re curious, or simply feeling the suffocating pillow of nostalgia, that first post can be found here. Still… it’s been quite a year for me. A year ago I had no film crew, an unpublished novel, an unsuccessful YouTube channel, and an unfinished website. Now, one year later, I have a film crew! OK… so those were bad examples, but there really have been some very interesting changes in my life, and I would like to talk about one in particular for just a minute because, not only do I have this blog to thank for it but, ironically, it is also partly responsible for my recent absence from it.

I have met many wonderful bloggers through WordPress, and I am grateful for having had the opportunity to meet people like Heather at Prawn & Quartered, The Wuc, and Jackie from…erm… The Jackie Blog. Still, there is one that spoke to me and my peculiar brain much more so than the others. So much so in fact, that I began to think this woman was living in my mind. As we commented back and forth, it became clear to both of us that each understood the other in some really quite remarkable ways, and we quickly became good friends. I won’t bore you with too many details but our friendship slowly graduated from the blog to social networking, and then to online chat, then telephone, then webcam conversations… and then finally, a few weeks ago, to four of the happiest and most joyful days I have ever spent in the company of another human being.

Yes folks… it sounds like a dreadful article from HEAT magazine but… I found love on WordPress.

So thanks for that, WP! Our ride hasn’t been without its bumps so far, but I hope it will continue for some time to come.

For those who hadn’t guessed, the lady in question is The Swedish Flowerpot, and if there are any of you who have never seen her blog, I strongly recommend you check it out. She is a supremely talented writer with a fantastically complex mind, and if you factor in that she writes that impressively in a second language, I’m sure you’ll agree that she has a very bright future.

OK… now that I’ve finished my Scandinavian sales pitch, let’s get on with other news.

Sleepless Knight did get some filming done before I disappeared but the weather conspired to stop us from completing it. Still… Kitty got to slap Farnsworth (again) after he descended from half-an-hour atop a freezing pile of rubble (he gets all the fun jobs), Winston the dog ran off into the woods, covered in a paint-stained bed sheet, and the universe almost imploded when myself, Farnsworth, and Richard, all appeared in the same place for the first time since May. A good day was had by all, and the best thing was… we were all there! Everybody turned up at the same time! Let no-one say we don’t have ambition.

It's not a pretty sight, I grant you... but it was fun.

Speaking of filming… that video that should have been completed in January… The footage is all there, and mostly edited. It just needs polishing. But, to say I’m lacking motivation for this first video is an understatement of “Space is big!” proportions. The problem is not a complex one… the footage is simply shit! We can’t film it again because the location is no longer available to us, so I have to make my peace with it, but I really just want to lie on the carpet kicking and screaming. It really is that bad folks. But, it’s part one of three, and filming is almost complete on part two so I just have to get through it. It’s a bit like having to remove a 9 week old Rhino corpse from the kitchen table before you can sit down and enjoy a really good meal. Sure, you could simply burn down the kitchen and spend the next year eating Chinese food off the living room carpet, but sooner or later someone is going to ask what happened to Reginald the oversized house-pet, and why we don’t go in the kitchen anymore. Besides… I really like that kitchen table.

*No Rhinos were harmed in the making of this analogy. It serves to illustrate a point in manner the reader will not forget, and any similarity to Rhinos living or dead is purely coincidental.

It is possible that I occasionally allow myself to get a little carried away with these analogies, but it keeps me off the streets.

At any rate… Sleepless Knight will certainly continue into 2013. With a Sleepless Wedding at the end of the year (Richard’s, not mine), countless amusing pearls of wisdom from Farnsworth, such as “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in time” (said to a Jehovah’s witness) and “If I was a giraffe and she was a giraffe… she’d be a really pretty giraffe!” how could I give up now and deprive you of all we may yet achieve together.

I hope your February has been as good as mine has so far, but it’s really hard to care when you’re this happy! I know that’s a rotten thing to say, but if you let me be smug about these sorts of things, then you can take a leaf out of The Swedish Flowerpot’s book and simply laugh extra hard when Jimbot hurts himself.

I’ll see you next week. In the meantime, take care and don’t bend over for the soap.

What does this mean? Well… it means absolutely nothing, except that, perhaps in this case, it will probably be fairly short. This has nothing to do with the number, and much more to do with having to use a broken keyboard (I am away with my children for the weekend, and using a borrowed laptop).

I guess, as I sit here in the heart of the Peak District; the freezing wind outside stripping branches off rain-soaked trees, under the oppressive grey ceiling of January… It occurs that I may be one of those Seasonal Affective Disorder people. I am fairly well known for my optimism, and a sunny disposition which irritates the crap out of most who dare to get in its way, so it has surprised me how easily that optimism has deserted me in recent weeks, but it may well be just Januaryness. When the end of March approaches, you can’t keep me down with 200 lead balloons and a bag of homeless puppies, peeing on a newspaper adorned with headlines of armageddon. The spring brings fresh, bright greens to the trees and hedgerows, which rustle with a thousand screwing bunnies. Roadkill is on the rise, and as that all-too-cocky squirrel bounces off your headlight and slides lifelessly into the gutter, you turn up the radio, roll down your car window, breathe in the humid, petrol-choked air and enjoy the ludicrous conceit that you’re inhaling nature. The Summer air crackles with thunder and the warm days roll into autumn before you can say “Wash the barbecue tongs in the paddling pool and defrost the sausages, Doris! Tonight we dine like Kings!” You can hold the pessimism of the approaching winter at bay for a couple of months as you first notice the beauty of the changing colours in the trees, and then look forward to the smiling faces of children; huddled round a pile of gifts beneath a fire-warmed tree on Christmas morning. Then, finally, the tinsel comes down and you squeeze the last drops of optimism out of the bottle; using it all up on New Year celebrations, and resolutions intended to bring about a new dawn for humanity… or at least a diet.

So here I am in January… Optimism-less, clock-watching, and cold. I love science-fiction, but I could never live permanently in the shadow of nuclear winter. I’d throw myself in front of the first stampeding 50ft cockroach I could find. Like a sexually frustrated builder in a portaloo… I need the Sun. I need to soak up its radiation like Brandon Routh in a funny red sheet. It’s the only explanation I can think of for why I’ve spent so much time looking down at my wet shoes, even though my life is looking up. I wait with pouting breath to see if my life is going to move in the direction I want it to over the next few weeks, and wonder whatever happened that left me so completely convinced I don’t deserve happiness, that when it comes along, all wrapped in ribbon and virtually falling over itself to be a part of my life, I convince myself that this perfect package must be letter-bomb; that I’ll die screaming as the car I won in a competition on the back of a crisp packet, explodes, the first time I turn the ignition.

Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only one convinced that the ink is going to run as I go to cash my winning lottery ticket? Why can’t I just accept good fortune for what it is?

If anyone reading this finds they have the same problem… please, let me know.

Kitty Post

When people find out that I have film degree one of the many questions I get asked is ‘What’s your all time favourite film?’ or ‘Could you recommend me a good film?’ The first is easy to answer. The Lion King. The second is always so much trickier, mainly because the films I recommend are good to me, but others can’t stand them. So for this guest blog I thought I’d tackle what, to me makes a good film.

There is no recipe or formula to making a good film, (That’s a tiny lie as I personally believe that Jerry Bruckheimer has found, made and bottled the formula to making epic blockbusters. The main ingredient being the repetitive use of the American flag in the back ground. Don’t believe me? Next time you watch Armagedon have a shot for every time you see an American flag, I guarantee you, you’ll be out of it by the end of the first 30 minutes.) but the following thing is what capture me and makes me believe a film is good.

I always love it when a director can immerse me in a film by the way he/she plays on the emotions they want me to feel. Recently I watched ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ (2010 Dir: Steven R. Monroe) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1242432/ and I was amazed at how my emotions were dragged around. From reading the blurb on the back of the DVD case I know what to expect, so I sat down with my friends ready to back it down and pick holes at it. Surprisingly I didn’t. The one character in the film that I expected to sympathise with the entire time (a simpleton named Matthew) I ended up hating and couldn’t wait for the main protagonist to get her revenge. Normal I would hate the idea of watching a film where three quarters of the film is dedicated to the build up of and the eventual rape of the main protagonist, but I didn’t mind, because it was all necessary to get the emotions of hatred towards the preportraitors of the rape and to feel the encouragement and support for her ultimate revenge.

Techniques implored within a film can make or break it. For me one of these films was ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’ (2004 Dir: Kerry Conran) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0346156/ the use of blue screen throughout the whole film was amazing. Everything you see, bar the furniture and certain props is all computer generated. That and the way they processed the film to give it a more comic book feel made me so giddy. Alas though if you do want to watch this film I will warn you, the story is appalling and the acting is not always up to scratch. Speaking of stories…

Stories are so important in a film. You may think that I have just made the world’s most obvious point and you’d be right. Not all people remember this though and the above film is a clear example. A story for me should be one that surprises me into realising that I actually like it. One fantastic example is ‘The King’s Speech’ (2010 Dir: Tom Hooper) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1504320/ I flat out refused to go and pay to watch this in my local cinema (for reasons on a money matter which I will be ranting on about on my own blog page at some point) for quite a few weeks. Then one day I want with a friend to grab a hot chocolate from the Costa that is ran inside the cinema and a friend of mine was working on the box office and asked if I fancied watching it for free. Well, you don’t say no to free…at least that’s my rule. So in I went and boy was I impressed when I left. I had this image in my mind of me falling asleep to Colin Firth trying to get from some boring speech therapist, but I was so wrong. The ideas of friendship it invoked made me laugh, cry and a slightly better person for watching it. If you have yet to see I strongly suggest you do. It is one of those films you will be able to watch again and again. Now that I’m typing about watchability…

The Lion King (1994 Dir: Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110357/  I had to get round to using this film as an example sooner or later. This film has one of the key things that makes a film good. Watchability. I am genuinely not lying to you when I type that I have sat and watched that film 8 times in a row. I intend to beat my old record and go for 10 times at some point in the VERY near future.

Cinematography and sound. They’re like bread and butter, Harold and Lardy, Politicians and dishonesty, their just essential to one another. For sound there isn’t just one example as I’m a strong believer in it making up for half the film. Really you try to watch a film with just dialogue and no score or foley and you’ll get bored pretty quick. On the cinematography front Hero (2002 Dir: Yimou Zhang) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0299977/ comes straight to mind. I remember watching for the first time when I was in 6^th form and being blown away by it. The shots, the colours, the camera movement; it was just like watching a living piece of art. The film also contains some very notable Chinese actors and the story is wonderful too. Please watch this film. It is a feast for your eyes.

These are, for me what makes a film good. You may disagree completely or be thinking ‘Yes, this woman/cat thing knows what she’s on about’. If it’s the latter then I’m so giving you hugs right now, look I’ll even retract the claws too. Either way I hop you’ve enjoyed this and please do feel free to comment on this posting.

For now though, stay Curious.

If wisdom is really your primary concern, you might not want to board a plane at all, because man was not meant to fly, right? In fact, why we ever emerged from our caves in the first place is beyond me…

“What’s that you’ve created there, Ugg? Fire, you say? Seems like pretty dangerous stuff to me. Perhaps you ought to just put the sticks down and come on a hunt. We’re going to climb a tree and try killing a Saber-toothed Tiger with harsh language so we don’t get hurt. You like your Tiger steak rare… right?”

Ok… so it seems like I’m being a little melodramatic. For a more eloquent look at this sort of thing, see this post. The point I’m trying to make is that wisdom has very little to do with human affairs, and the most unwise and foolhardy of human endeavours has to be love.

Earlier this week I was the victim of well-meaning people; analysing my love life as “unwise”, “irrational” and “illogical”.

Of course it f***ing well is! Rationality… Logic… Common Sense… These things have no place in the same sentence as love. Think about this for a moment; if humans were rational beings they wouldn’t love at all. We probably wouldn’t paint either… or sculpt, or write songs. I mean, what’s the point?

Pardon me for climbing atop my extremely long-legged horse, but we’re talking about love here. Trying to measure it with logic and rationality is tantamount to saying: “Teabags? Yes… Brilliant idea! Bit porous though, aren’t they? Wouldn’t they be better if they were… I dunno… water-resistant?” Sure! Of course they would… if you want a sweet-smelling pebble at the bottom of your cup of very hot, uninteresting water; or more likely on the top, since they would almost certainly float. Yes… I think what you’re after there is a pair of scented f***ing water-wings! I just want a cup of f***ing tea!

I recently tried to talk sense into a very dear friend of mine, regarding his love life. Did he listen? No… of course he didn’t; he’s in love. If you want logic with your love, better stick to phallic machinery. Love is not rational. If you can be talked out of it, trust me, you didn’t have it in the first place. Heartbreak is part of the game. To paraphrase a certain science-fiction character: “If you can’t handle a little bloody nose then maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed… by yourself! It’s not safe out there! It’s wondrous; with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross… but it’s not for the timid!” We’d all like to be more sensible about those we love, but when was the last time you listened to reason when you felt that way?

Taking all the irrational behaviour out of love is like taking all the water out of your pool: Sure you won’t get wet, but you’re likely to find swimming in it an empty and unsatisfactory experience.

So endeth the lesson.

Don't listen to him, Brian! As long as you don't expect much response in bed, you'll be fine.

There will be far more posts than usual this week for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I will be nominating several bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award, and secondly because there will be a guest blog post on Thursday, from Sleepless Knight’s very own, Kitty.

See you then.

Lots of love,

Sleepless Knight.

There are a couple of reasons for this recent bout of lethargy; the most obvious of which being…

January

The tinsel is down, you’ve cleaned the vomit out of the carpet and finally started thinking about recycling the wine bottles and beer cans that have been cluttering up the shower… the only thing that stands between you and 2012 is this pesky, bothersome month; so dreary that even the weather can’t be bothered to do anything interesting. It could rain fireballs or seagull anuses for all I care! At least that would be something, but no! The sky just hangs there, going “Give me a break man! 2011 just really took it out of me.” Admittedly, this year I have more reasons than usual to see this miserable month out of the way, but that’s just making it drag all the more. If you have to give the first month of the year a name, then let’s make it something more descriptive, like I-wish-I-was-anywhere-else-at-any-time-in-history-but-here-please-please-Sam-Beckett-make-the-next-leap-the-leap-out-of-here…uary.

Ordinarily, I have my muse to get me through these little hiccups; which brings me to this…

Communication

…or, in this case, lack of it.

The last century has brought us closer to people in so many ways. We can talk to people on the other side of the world with such ease nowadays. Phone, text, email, facebook, messenger, Skype… All make it possible to maintain contact, and even romantic relationships, with people too far away to touch, but what happens when the lines go down and the lights go out? I mean, what is the world coming to when the bored Guildford housewife can no longer exchange late-night tales of woe with the cross-dressing minister from Montana? It is surely only a matter of time before the quiet suburbs of Surrey run red with the blood of innocent TKMaxx patrons.

My own situation is far less dramatic than that, and far more likely – if I might so boldly tickle the testicles of fate – to end in happiness rather than mass consumer-cide, but that only makes it more difficult at times when you can’t see one-another.

We take our communication in the 21^st century for granted. When it’s cut off, it can feel like losing an arm. Those guys over at Aperture, and Bartok Science Industries really need to get on this. Relationships are going to become ever more complicated until travel is as instantaneous as walking from one room to another.

Anyway… since I can’t appear behind my readers and whisper in their ears, here’s a little song from a company that are working towards that very goal.

Caution: Expect long-distance relationships to end abruptly, following this scenario

For Sleepless Knight, 2011 has been a very busy year indeed…

I have made many new friends, and I have lost a few old ones. I began the year by promising that I would not move house again, and ended up doing so… TWICE! There have been moments of sadness that have moved me to tears, and moments of joy beyond anything I had ever hoped to feel again. I have had weird weeks aplenty and times when I was allowed the briefest glimpse of success. There was a moment when I considered writing this blog off as one of the worst ideas I ever had, but perseverance and optimism won out, and it may well turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in 37 years.

As the year draws to a close, Sleepless Knight has already had to say goodbye to people I knew far too briefly, but all is not doom & gloom… not by a very long way. So I thought would share with you one or two things I have learned (or at least re-learned) in 2011. And, since this is a movie-lover’s blog, we’re gonna do it in movie style:

1. “Life is beautiful!”

This is something I’ve always known. It’s one of the things that make me who I am, that I can hardly get through a day without seeing something about the world around me that makes me smile. But it’s something that can be knocked out of you if you don’t keep your head. Sometimes, you need something to elbow you back onto the tracks and remind you that every single day you breathe successfully from dawn to dusk, is one to be grateful for.

1. “…it’s never too late to get it back!”

This sort of follows on from the one above, but, if we live long enough, we will all come to a point where we lose something of who we were, and it’s very easy to write it off to the cynicism of aging, but if you miss that daydreamer who wanted to see what was over the next hill, or around the next corner, or just to jump because… what’s the worst that can happen? Remember what Lester Burnham said, because I promise you it’s true.

1. “Don’t underestimate…”

This goes for yourself, as well as other people. Many people have underestimated me, and continue to do so, but not nearly as often as I have underestimated myself. Just try not to do it. It’s a bad habit. You should be especially wary of underestimating those around you. You never know when they’ll surprise you… either by doing something really nice and unexpected, or simply by being more understanding then you thought they might be.

1. “Nobody’s perfect!”

At first glance this may appear to contradict the one above, but it really doesn’t. Although, once again, this does apply to yourself as well as to those you love. Everyone makes mistakes! This does not make you, or those around you, any more monstrous or inhuman. It is particularly relevant if you love someone dearly, that you expect them to be less than perfect, because if you do not… you are very likely to be disappointed.

1. “If you build it, they will come!”

I must confess I’ve had my doubts about this one several times this year. It often seems as though you’re wasting your time; that no-one is really interested in what you’re doing; that they will refuse to help, or pay any attention to your efforts, simply because what you are trying to do seems so completely far-fetched and ridiculous, that you will never make it work in a hundred lifetimes. My advice is: Build the damn thing anyway! If you fail, people may say “I told you so”, but so the hell what? Is that really so terrible. Quite often you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I have lost hope for the channel/blog/novel… on many occasions, but every so often someone will come along and say “That’s really good” or “Can I help?” Be patient.

1. “Hope is a good thing… maybe the best of things.”

As wonderful as Morgan Freeman is, hope is NEVER, EVER a dangerous thing! I would have given up on some truly wonderful things in my life without hope. Someone even wrote a song for me earlier this year with that very title: “Hope”. And, if you’re a fan of irony, I had always hoped that someone would do that for me one day. Now surely I need say nothing more about hope than that? But, if you need more reasons why hope is a good thing…

1. “Because you never know what the tide will bring.”

Happiness, love, success… these are all things that can come out of nowhere and knock you over like a train. However – and this is particularly relevant to the first one and the last – if you go through life expecting them not to… you are unlikely to find otherwise.

1. “Soylent Green is people!”

This one is simply there because I was getting a little too serious, and I thought we needed to lighten the mood. It is of course, complete and utter nonsense! We all know that Soylent Green is made from orphaned puppies and pureed Unicorn.

2011 has been a year I am very unlikely ever to forget, and I am looking forward to the new year with a childish anticipation I can never remember having felt before. The beginning of 2012 holds some very happy possibilities for the channel, and for myself, and there should be a Sleepless wedding (Richard’s) by the end of the year. What will happen between those two, only time will tell. Whatever it is, I hope you will stay with me and keep watching, and reading.

What does your 2012 have in store (apart from fiery doom, of course) for you, and what were your most treasured memories from 2011?

P.S.

In other news…. There is other NEWS!!!!

Instead of your usual picture, I will be posting our latest video. That’s right… I said VIDEO!! I changed my plans to make sure that the three videos coming up early in the new year, will be spectacularrrr… so this one is just a farewell to 2011.

This week… Sleepless Knight had our best day of filming to date. Everyone had a fantastic time, and (considering the episode was written by Mr. Farnsworth and myself, in just 2 hours, the night before) I have high hopes that this video will be the very best yet.

I have decided that my plan to get all 3 parts of my “resurrection” story up on the channel before the new year was outrageously ambitious, so there will be an “End of 2011″ video, featuring bloopers and behind the scenes footage; with just a short teaser for 2012 tagged on the end. I think you’ll like it, and, if nothing else, it will at least prove that we’re back and work is getting done. We will then begin releasing the “resurrection” video in January. A promise I am (this time) supremely confident I will easily be able to keep, since over 50% of the story has already been filmed.

The story is not without sadness for me however, as we unexpectedly lost Ben, when he moved away just this week, and the new year will see the loss of Kitty; one the best crew members any film crew could wish for. It will also see the end of our “headquarters” at Ripon street, since most of its inhabitants are moving on to bigger and better things. I don’t really know where our new home will be just yet, I can only assure you that we will continue no matter where it is, and 2012 will be a very exciting new chapter in the Sleepless Knight story for many good reasons.

Mr. Farnsworth and myself are very excited about where the channel is going in 2012, and I’m sure Richard would be too, if only we could locate him more often.

Our next guest post will be from Ms. Knight (that’s Kitty, for those of you who are unaware), and we look forward to it.

That’s it for the time being from me, and everyone else at the channel. I hope you have a good weekend, wherever, and with whomever you spend it. The Sleepless Knight wishes you a very Merry Christmas!

From left: JB (music guru #1), Kitty (the talented one), Me (Sleepless Knight), Farnsworth (champion of crazy) and Arnie (music guru #2)

It’s that time of year, when all you can think about is whether or not the cloaked disguise of the time-travelling madman you have created is quite black enough for the moment when he uses his futuristic medical apparatus to re-animate your exploded corpse. That’s right folks… Christmas is here again, and dyeing a B&Q dust-sheet, until it looks like a gigantic, steam-rolled charcoal briquette, is just the kind of yuletide activity that makes the holiday season at Sleepless Knight’s temporary headquarters seem like a TV Christmas special.

Elsewhere in my brain, it has been a week of mixed feelings; times when I feel as though I can fly, coupled with that panicky sensation in the back of my mind, that says: “Wait a minute… should I really be up here? Aren’t I as susceptible to gravity as everyone else?” There have also been a few “bird-strike” moments; when your heart sinks as you realise the seagull which looked so pretty as it flew gracefully towards you and bounced off the cockpit, might have set the engine alight as it was sucked through it, before being ejected like so much flaming confetti. But enough with the calming aviation metaphors…

It has been brought to my attention that I might just be a bit of a weirdo. And, while this hardly comes as a surprise to me, it is worrying when people you’ve never met, who are significant to you because they are significant to other people you’ve never met, who are significant to you, start telling you you’re a weirdo by proxy… That probably didn’t make any sense at all, but what do you want from me, I’m a weirdo.

So, is this weirdo thing something I perhaps need to address? I mean it’s not as though I make films featuring transsexual Nazi Eskimo porn and bestiality, but the “weirdo” accusation did come at a moment when I was sat on the cold concrete floor of someone else’s living room, constructing a device to bring myself back from the dead, so it may just have merit.

Toby Dale was saying just yesterday that he would like one of those “perfect Sundays” he has heard people talk about. Instead, he was animating a Santa Claus action figure. Unfortunately… we are YouTubers. True, he is much better at it than I am, but normal Sundays are never going to be your thing if you have chosen to pursue such a ridiculous pastime as this one. We are weirdoes, every one of us.

Now… if you’ll excuse me, I have to add more velvet-black dye to my gigantic dust-sheet. I mean, without a black cloak to go with his techno-goggles… the man who appears through a portal in my kitchen, to collect a box of my charred remains from the freezer before returning to the future, will just look silly.

A severely vision-impaired time-traveller is helped into position for filming

*For anyone interested… last week’s word was indeed “flaps”. Guessed correctly by The Swedish Flowerpot, who got to choose this word for this week. Guess it, and next week it’s your turn to challenge me.

So I made the mistake of telling Jim I would write a guest blog post for him. I’m not particularly good with promises, so for all intents and purposes this is not a blog post. It is merely an extract from the novel I am writing (and definitely not lying about), entitled “The Juggler’s Oven”; the tale of an out of work chef that joins the circus. It’ll make you laugh, make you cry. It will change your life.

She sat nervously beside him. The smell of Tippex jostled its way into her single nostril, like a late traffic warden. She had been here before, but in a slightly different location. He reached toward her, with fingers like cheap breadsticks. Just as the savoury-snack-like appendages brushed her dancing cheek, she awoke. As she removed the yoghurt from the window-pane and cleared away the last of the tinsel , she swore it would be the last time she accepted a Tic-Tac from Mr Bovril.

And there you have it. Let this be a lesson never to make a promise you can’t keep, and not to accept minty goods from people with strange names.

Farewell.

Vespa.

So… there it was. I would imagine it won’t happen again for quite some time. Mr Farnsworth will be appearing in the upcoming SK videos scheduled to appear between now and Christmas.
It would be nice to get a guest post from Richard (recently dubbed by Farnsworth as “Silent Knight”… and not without good reason), but first we need Chloroform, a very large butterfly net, and the spell which summons him from the underworld.

Enjoy the rest of your week. I will do my best to return at the weekend as usual.

But, Farnsworth has just challenged me to hide another word in my blog post, and since none of you guessed last week’s word (or even attempted to *cough*) I am now forced to choose between trying to ignore my idle fantasies for the next few hours while I attempt sleep… or, accepting a challenge from my mad house-mate. Damn my stubborn nature. Damn it to Hell!!

Oh well… here we go then. I suppose I can blog about something. How about the economy?

The recent increase in the… strength of the… Peruvian…

OK, so I know nothing of global economics… or very much of anything else. But never mind. I’m not the sort of writer who flaps about something as insignificant as a complete lack of knowledge. Wikipedia gets away with it all the time, so why can’t I pretend to be an authority on something about which I am completely ignorant.

There… now that I have added a disclaimer, I am completely free to talk out of my arse. And, with that in mind, let’s talk about love.

Do either of my readers remember the 80s? Remember those stupid posters that said “Love is…”? Well, earlier this week I had a revelation concerning what love is. Feel free to disagree (at least that way I might have some COMMENTS!), but I believe the point at which you can no longer escape the conclusion that you love someone, is when their happiness becomes more important to you than your own; when you realise that all you want is to spend the rest of your life making this person happy. Now… all those people saying things like “That’s crap! I know my girlfriend/boyfriend loves me, because they bought me a packet of those really shit, chalky sweets that say so in pink letters!” Get out! And while you’re at it, why not give all those people who buy stuffed bears with the words “I love you this much” a ride home. We all know that when you love someone, you want them to know it. But permit me to suggest, that buying them a Yo-Yo with “I Wuv U!” written on it, and imagining that does the trick, might just mean you’re not really trying hard enough. At best, that person will think it’s a really crap gift. Best case is that they’re some sort of international Yo-Yo champion, and if that’s the case they’re unlikely to thank you for making them perform in front of fellow Yo-Yo enthusiasts, swinging that tacky piece of junk as though it was their own personal Excalibur.

That probably all sounded like a bitter man, writing about unrequited love. It really wasn’t. I just needed to get that off my chest before the urge to fill a super-soaker with holy-water, and mow down a bunch of Hallmark shoppers, became too much to bear.

All I’m saying is, if someone really means that much to you, don’t rely on mass-produced sweets that look, and taste, like someone put Prozac in the water-cooler at the Asprin factory, and then played “Close to you” at full volume over the stereo. That sappy sentiment will not mean any more, just because it’s been embroidered into the chest of a grey teddy-bear. Don’t feel sorry for him just because he looks like he’s been through the wars. Spare a thought for the beleaguered mother; moaning as she sews the damn thing back together, because some careless child left it on the lawn for the mower. Let’s stop this habit of lazy sentimental expression and work together to put Clinton’s Cards out of business. That Hallmark shop is taking up space that could be better used for… say, an Ann Summers, or Victoria’s Secret – to pick two names completely at random.

Now before people start getting their crotchless, barbed-wire knickers in a twist… Of course I’m not saying that “Wear this and I’d totally do you!” is a worthy sentiment. Ann Summers shops have no more place on the high street than Hallmark (they should be confined to the internet, so that we… er… I mean… people… aren’t forced to feel embarrassed or awkward about shopping there).

All joking aside, if you feel so strongly about someone that you need to find a way to tell them, don’t shop for gifts at a place that says: “I hate my wife, but I can’t be bothered to cook my own dinners!” Hold them in just the right way… be there when it’s important to them… go out of your way to surprise them regularly, even if that means swimming across the Baltic Sea dressed as James Bond. Write them a song. Don’t worry if you can’t write songs; love is… caring about the other person’s happiness. If someone loves you, they will try especially hard not to cringe when some poor lovesick fool sings “Oh Angela, I love you for the way you hold your spatula” off key, whilst wearing nothing but a guitar he borrowed from a mate (please wipe it before you bring it back, Garry).

Enjoy the rest of your week, and remember: Every time you shop at Hallmark, a unicorn is hit by a truck full of “I Wuv U” key-chains… and the driver laughs maniacally as he strokes his seal-skin steering-wheel, and tosses a cigar out the window… which then hits a wickle bunny-wabbit.

This week's image is courtesy of the Sleepless Knight special effects department. ILM, eat your heart out!

*For anyone who’s interested, last week’s word was “onion”.